Life Without Wife

First I’d like to wish a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my father-in-law, Don. He turned 80 yesterday! The old codger’s still living on his own, driving all over the place, and spending two days a week running the Widget ragged.

I am so brain dead right now that I am using a dear friend to write this blog for me. Through a series of blinks and nods we have worked out she is able to interpret my thoughts and type them down for all of you out there in Internet land. I also have a tube to blow in to indicate that I have pooped myself.

So why so wiped out? My wife, that’s why. And not from any mind bending and possibly illegal sexual adventure we shared, (don’t I wish!). No dear Internet, my wonderful wife is off on one of her biannual voyages to Poetry Land.

Poetry Land is a magical place where Dorinda attempt to broaden her mind and somehow in the process attain a MFA. She does stuff with words. Or something. Words, words, words. I dunno. When Dee gets talking poetry at me my eyes sort of roll up into my head and I wake up hours or days later in strange places.

Its not that I don’t like poetry. I love it. But there’s academic poetry –which is basically the study of sound, language, and all sorts of other details that get the propeller-heads excited. And then there is poetry for the people –the kind of stuff that a wide audience of knuckle-draggers can relate to. Dorinda is an academic-in-training, and I breath through my mouth most of the time. So we don’t really like the same kind of poetry.

Actually, I should be honest and say that with a few notable exceptions I don’t really like poetry. What I like would be better classified as “spoken word” or back in the day, “storytelling”. I guess the differences between poetry and spoken word might not be obvious, but they are there, and they are huge.

And its totally unfair because Dee is a HUGE comic book geek on top of being an academic. She can sink to my level, but I can never hope to rise to her lofty heights in brainiac-nerds-ville.

Anyway, I ramble more than normal . . .

So Dee’s been gone for days upon days. I think its been a thousand days so far. Or maybe nine. It all blurs together in this single-parent gulag. On top of Dorinda being gone, kindergarten, gymnastics, tee-ball, Daisy Scouts, and Boys & Girls Club all ended the day before she left. I don’t know what putz came up with this stupid Summer Vacation crap, but if I ever meet him I’m gonna punch him in the balls. Probably the same idiot who invented Daylights Savings.

To cope with my increased parenting duties I’ve put myself on 2^nd and a ½ Shift. I get an hour or three during the day thanks to the heroic efforts of my father-in-law. But basically my day now starts at 8pm and has been running until 2 or 3am. After only one severe thrashing, the Widget has learned to let daddy sleep at least until 8:30am.

Its hardly all doom and gloom though. I’m be full of shit if I said it were. The Widget and I have been living off of Hot Pockets, Chinese take-out, giant bags of frozen chicken nuggets, cold pizza, and beer.

As I type this (through my lovely bikini clad assistant) I am basking in the sun on a little beach at a swimmin’ hole about five minutes up the street from my house. The Widget has tons of kids to play with here (a bunch from school and other after-school activities). And I have a bunch of cute, young, bathing suit wearing mommies to look at. I wish I could say the flock of barely dressed high school girls was also something fun to look at, but to be perfectly honest, they just look like taller versions of my own kid to me. This must be another indication that despite my best efforts I’m getting old. AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

At least I have the mommies . . .Mmmmmm. . . mommies . . .

Adding to my summer fun, (you man not be able to read the sarcasm that just erupted from my face like a giant pus filled boil –but trust me, it was there). Adding to my summer fun, my wife’s family is visiting. The entire family. From all over the country. And where’s my wife when I need her most? Nerd-school.

She owes me one honkin’ big present when she gets back.

Actually, so far I’ve only seen Dee’s sister . . .Dee. That’s not a typo. As an aside if any of you have multiple children do NOT name them in such a way that all their names begin with the same letter because you think its cute. Its not cute. Its stupid. Anyway, I was afraid that in addition to the strain put on my productivity by Dorinda’s little trip down poetry lane I would be further stymied by the need to trot the Widget out for public viewings for relatives I barely know. But yesterday Don and Donna (that would be Dad and sister-in-law) took Emma to see others of the Foley Clan and let me work for about 5hrs. That was awesome –though I felt a tad guilty for not tagging along to hang out with people I don’t know.

Right now it looks like I’ll only have to survive a giant Foley Family Fourth of July cook out. Which I think I can handle. The bottle of gin I will be bringing shall ensure that I can handle it.

Thanks to the respite yesterday I got the cover for KOD3 finished and an improvised page of Julie Wrench, which I plan to use as part of a submissions pitch. I also got the pencils done on two mock-covers I am doing for a funny looking indie film called Saving The Day.

Well, its time to go rub the Widget down with sunblock. So I’m off and here’s an extra helping of Random Splendor:

Pulp Fiction –Jedi Edition (If only the new movies had been this cool)

Kraftwerk –The Robots

You know, I love Beck. But he was much better when he was all fucked up on drugs.

I wish Atomic Robo could do this.

An even better dramatic look remix